Shameless Do-Goodery at Cooper Young Fest

Mid-town’s annual Cooper Young Festival is a tragedy unfolding in slow motion.

The unbearable profusion of art and music and sheer partyophilia is bad enough itself, but even worse is insidious way that volunteers and do-gooders seem to take up more and more of the booths every year, crowding out critical services like personal injury attorneys and fudge-covered pronto-pups.

Although my inspired non-non-profit festival rezoning petition was sadly struck down in court by bleeding heart judges, I did manage to get some incriminated photos of artists and do-gooders in preparation for next year’s attempt.

You can find more photos in the patent gallery and you can find some of my brilliant work at previous Cooper Young festivals here:

YouTube Preview Image
Tagged Leave a comment

Trash Tragedy at McKellar Lake

Last Saturday, while more tolerant and civilized people were sleeping in, a mob over one-hundred vengeful do-gooders descended upon the shores of McKellar Lake intent on conquest.

Students from the University of Memphis and Christian Brothers University, as well as representatives from Memphis City Beautiful, Clean Memphis and other misguided organizations, joined together in a fearsome coalition of cleanliness with the sole purpose of evicting acres of peaceful litter from its native habit.

The liter, which had originally fled harassment in the city through storm drains and migrated down Nonconnah Creek, have for years found sanctuary in the lake. But recent flooding has left many of their number stranded and defenseless on the shore, well within the grasping clutches of the city’s do-gooder population and their policy of recycling on sight.

Unrepentant rabble leader, Colton Cockram has issued no apology, but rather called for further civic cleansings to take place on October 1st and November 12th.

More pictures in the patent gallery.

More details on upcoming cleanings in the do-gooder calendar.

Tagged , , , , , Leave a comment

Kicking the Habit – CASA Kickball Tournament – Video

YouTube Preview Image

Despite my many interventions at charity sporting events, the life of fighting do-goodery is not all fun and games. There’s often dirt, sweat, and sudden blows to the head.

Nothing could better illustrate this point than my recent therapy of Memphis CASA at their annual fundraising Kickball tournament.  It was at this misguided match, while beating the do-gooders at their own game, that tragedy struck.

And by tragedy, I mean the other team.

Apparently, CASA’s mission to care for neglected and abused children in Memphis just doesn’t apply to brilliant grown therapists like myself, for while I was rounding the bases – headed to certain victory, a desperate opponent beaned my in the brain with the game ball.

But if you think that impact stopped me from continuing to home plate, then you have a lot to learn about Toboggans tenacity.

See it all for yourself in the video above and find many more incriminating photos in the patient gallery.

Posted in Field Reports, Videos | Leave a comment

Spaghetti Wresting Time

Kerry Crawford and Harold Toboggans Spaghetti Wrestling

It was Friday night at Rock For Love and the stage was set for vengeance. The pieces were all in place: the kiddie pool, my nemesis Kerry Crawford, and 30 gallons of spaghetti.

The crowd grew through the night as band after band lured their fans into the Hi-tone to support the Church Health Center and their hope-mongering agenda of affordable health care.

Around 1 a.m. I had had my fill of do-goodery. I stormed the stage, called Crawford out, and together we proceeded to the Pit of Pasta waiting outside.

The match was filled with sound and fury and lots of cold, slimy noodles. I won’t dwell on trivial details such as who won the contest, let’s just say that in spite of a sudden intake of pasta, I’m still hungery for vengeance.

More pictures in the patient gallery, Live From Memphis, and here.

 

Tagged , , Leave a comment

Kerry Crawford – This Means War

As a psychiatric professional, it is my unpleasant duty to stay apprised of all that is inspiring, hope-enabling, and otherwise dysfunctional in this town.

It is a task that has put me in contact with do-gooders of all stripes, from artist to activists to volunteers to clean-up queens; none have escaped my therapeutic gaze.

So it is with great authority (and no little amount of professional venom) that I unveil the ultimate scourge of our city. The epitome and embodiment of all that is wrong with Memphis.

That individual is none other than Kerry (I Love Memphis) Crawford.

Let’s look at the evidence:

Case closed.

I would run her out of town on a rail if only I could find a rail sturdy enough to withstand her Memphis-loving ways.

Which leaves it up to me to personally end her surgery-sweet reign of terror. Which I will do this Friday night at Rock For Love 5.

Due to standing orders from the Surgeon General, my exact methods must remain secret, but I can tell you that it involves a wading pool, a large amount of my own Prescription Pasta, and raw untamed rage.

Come to the Hi-Tone Friday August 19 and see justice dispensed in large, noodly servings.

That is all.

 

 

 

Tagged , Leave a comment

Video – Shutting Down Rock For Love?

Although I was maliciously tricked into supporting the upcoming Rock For Love do-good-o-rama by Marvin Stockwell, I haven’t given up hope of defeating the hope-mongers and defending my reputation as a serious man of medicine.

To that end, I recently took matters into my own hands.

YouTube Preview Image

 

I don’t understand what wrong. I followed directions step by step according to the manual.

The very same book so eagerly bestowed upon me by none other than…Kerry Crawford.

Could that Memphis-loving malcontent be responsible for my near-electrocution?

This can only mean one thing: war.

Vital Stats:
What: Rock For Love 5
When: August 18-21
Where: The Hi-Tone, 1913 Poplar Ave.
How Much: $5 Thurs, $10 Fri-Sun
Kerry Crawford: Soon to be suffering
Exact times, bonus free show, and other enticing details: here

Tagged , , 1 Comment